Last week, my oldest daughter (who happens to be my most challenging) had a good week. She was pleasant, obedient, and non-combative. During that week I praised and thanked God for this because I desperately needed some encouragement and proof that she wasn't going to grow up to become a delinquent. Sometimes, it just feels like nothing is sinking in!
This week, much to my disappointment, she went right back to her usual ways. Seeing her make the wrong choices, lose control of her temper, etc., is always frustrating and exhausting for me. But I recently realized it is more than that--it is heartbreaking. Last week, I noticed that her good choices and behavior made her so happy. Her life in general was easier when she wasn't fighting with her own "demons" and--of course--with me. :) This week, I noticed how angry, sad, and frustrated she got. I can plainly see that it is the direct result of her sins that is making her so miserable, but no matter what we do she just can't seem to make this connection.
Then I thought about ME. I thought about how I lost my temper. How I snapped at one of the kids for asking a harmless question. How I yelled when I should have taught. How miserable, anxious, and guilt-ridden these actions left me. I so desperately want to set an example for these kids yet every single day I fail!
This got me thinking (and believe me, I spend countless hours thinking and fretting about this) about how heartbreaking it must be for God when I sin. I guess I think that God is angry, disappointed, or ashamed of me when I sin; but I never thought about how sad it must make Him. God wants us to be happy and delight in Him, but sin destroys that. It is a state of misery! I can see it in my relationship with my daughter. Yes, I am ashamed of and frustrated with her; but I am also saddened at the happiness she is refusing.
I think that being a parent has allowed me to see God in a whole new light-- as a fellow parent. I cannot even begin to imagine how much He loves His children and how much He desires the very best for us. So often we absolutely refuse to accept it! It seems so ridiculous that my kids choose to resist the path that they know leads to a joyful life, but I am doing the exact same thing with my own behavior.
Being a parent is teaching me that I am in desperate need of God's grace and assistance in every moment of this wild ride. He knows what I am going through, because He is experiencing it with me! He can help me choose obedience and model it for my kids. It isn't easy, but maybe someday, I will be a good girl and make my Father proud. :)
